Orbitbud's Blog

Meat on my mind

04 Sep 2009 5 Comments

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

I wish I could eat meat.

There is nothing stopping me from eating meat – no religious reasons or anything spiritual like that. I was brought up a vegetarian and therefore not introduced to meat, early enough in my life.

Now, i find it incredibly hard to overcome my innate prejudices, my mindset and start eating meat. One of the main reasons why i want to eat meat, is for the sheer choice of food available on offer, when we eat out. Being vegetarian does significantly limit the cuisines and restaurants we can try. At most places, the choice is rather limited and if you dont eat a lot of things on that restricted list (R doesn’t), then it gets tougher.

We even had a waiter question us once why we chose to eat a Chinese restautant(in Soho), if we were vegetarian !! He could not fathom that we did not eat fish either. He repeatedly asked if we were sure we did not. We would  know that, wouldnt we Mr. Waiter ??

How wonderful it would be to eat sandwiches with fillings other than egg, humus, cheese. Did i mention cheese ? The incredible choice that I would have. Not having to bother to scan the ingredients carefully.

I was *this* close to trying grilled fish over the last weekend. I went out to a Thai restaurant with some friends and one of them had ordered grilled fish. It looked most appetising, stuffed with chillies and spices. In spite of everyone at the table goading me on, I just could not. And it was not the smell of the fish itself, as I had a cold and my sense of smell is not that great, even on a cold-free day. Next time, definitely, I told myself.

Some day, I will.

A degree ?

13 Jul 2009 5 Comments

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

This last year has been a real learning experience for me. I have had to face my deep in-built, hitherto unknown to me too prejudice regarding university education and how having a professional education is not a necessary pre-requisite to happiness.

It all started when my nephew announced last year that he had no intentions of going to University. This coming from a boy who was in the XII, was a serious matter and there was not any time to dilly-dally, considering the competition we face in India. Studying to get into a good college in standard XII alone is not enough, students start years ahead and i was only too aware of this. But my nephew was having none of it and his only aim was to continue playing the guitar and if at all he joined a college, his condition was that he wanted to join a college which had a band.

My sister’s (and BIL’s, to some extent) approach to parenting has always been very laid-back and she was more than happy with his decision. Her only condition was that he should leave home, to pursue whatever he had in mind, as she was certain that staying away from home would contribute to his overall well-being.

So when my nephew annouced that he did not want to go to University, neither of them were annoyed, irritated, flabbergasted or even angry. They just let him be, and he continued to attend his XII classes, with no intention of going to University.

I have to say that i took it rather badly – i could not comprehend that my nephew, my favourite one at that. would not go to University. I even tempted him with offers to come and study here or the US, but he was rather firm. He was clear he wanted to carry on playing the guitar, but wasnt sure about anything more.

I tried to persuade my sister over the course of the last year to try and get him to change his ways. At the rate at which he was studying, my sister was not even sure he would clear his exams, he was so disinterested. I should probably mention that though he liked playing the guitar and took lessons, I dont think he was a natural or greatly gifted that he could rely on music as a career.

My BIL would even joke that my nephew might become a peanut seller (mungfaliwalla) and I was appalled, to say the least.

Having grown up in a middle-class, super-competitive colony of scientists’ children, I have personally seen how a professional degree was a gateway to opportunities and how it transformed people and their lives. Though I resented it while growing up, a big part of me has unconsciously imbibed this ideology.

I dont understand it at all – i have enough examples in my own life to indicate that just having a professional degree is not enough to do well in this world. Yet, to my middle-class mindset, it was a necessity.

My sister and BIL being examples in point. My sister earns peanuts, inspite of being a doctor. She was a brilliant student at school, college and sailed through medical school. Yet today she earns less than a call centre worker does. Of course that’s her own choice, as she is highly principled and uses her degree to help the poor. She is very well respected and popular in her speciality among patients in her hospital, and for her that is far more important than any monetary gains. My BIL has a stalled career too, inspite of being highly educated. Two prime examples of how just having a professional education does not guarantee anything. Yet it is hard to change mindsets, I suppose.

Over the course of the last year, my nephew decided that he wanted to apply for a course in Sound Engineering. I will be honest – I had not even heard of the course or the college he was planning to apply to. Since the number of colleges offering this course is very limited, he had only a few to choose from. He has been granted a place in this course, and it took everything in me to be supportive of his choice.

I know in theory, that you dont need a professional degree to be happy or successful. What you need is talent, learning to tweak the system and being at the right place at the right time and some luck to go with it. Yet it is hard to apply these theories when it comes to my own nephew.

I was speaking about this to colleagues of mine at work this morning – one Chinese and one traditional British and I was rather surprised that their thought processes are similar to my conservative thoughts. For instance, both of them think that music should be pursued more as a hobby, rather than as a career. And that they would both encourage their children to pursue a more conventional degree, if they had a choice.

None of us know what the course is about and its future prospects. Yet the fact that he wants to do this course, researched it all by himself and has expressed a keen desire to join, I guess is a good sign.

I just hope that by the time K’s turn comes, I can be far more accepting and courageous to digest the fact that she may not go to University at all.

Rambling on

24 Apr 2009 5 Comments

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

This is going to be a long rambling,angst-ridden post. So please feel free to skip.I have also been writing this over several days, maybe some of it is not relevant now, but am going to post it anyway.

I know I should be looking at the positive side and be greatful for all the things which I have. Believe me, i do but today I am just not in a mood to look at the positive side. So indulge me, if you will.

I am a strong believer in karma. According to the dictionary definition, karma is the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person’s deeds in the previous incarnation. My Buddhist practice has taught me that karma can be changed though, in this present life through our actions and deeds. I do believe in it, though I do have my moments of doubt and uncertainty when I dont see the results I expect to see.

All of the 4 readers of this blog know of my struggle to make friends in the city. One measure of this could be the fact that I had just my neighbour and my uncle for K’s second birthday. Granted, she may not remember any of the celebrations but the fact that I did not have people to invite, even if i wanted a big party, bothers me big time. I have spoken to most of you at various times about this topic and have got some valuable insights and ideas. But there are some recurring patterns in my life, which i find myself unable to change.

Contrary to public opinion, I am NOT looking for a lot of friends. Seriously. All i want is a small, intimate group (around 2-3) to hang around with. Friends for whom I mean a lot as they do for me. Where we share our everyday lives, stories, news, opinions, ideas and be there for each other. Talk/chat/email (in that order, since I know meeting everyday is next to impossible) everyday.Where I dont have to ask about the other friend in the group because I know her news too. Where I could ask a friend to baby-sit for a couple of hours, if ever the need arose. Little things, yet incredibly important things.

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic, unreasonable and thats part of the problem. I expected life in a firangi land to involve loads of parties, dinners, meetings and generally being rushed off my feet. My uncle’s social life certainly has all of the above. The fact is R and I moved to this country at the same time, so he did not have a ‘ready-made’ circle of friends. Our 5 years in Wales were an absolute nightmare. We hardly knew anybody and i was so stifled that it scarred me. I then met some wonderful wonderful group of people and made some very close friends, only to have to move to London. The pattern that I was talking about ? I am certain it will repeat in London. When I finally am comfortable in my own group of friends, I will have to move. I am working on changing this and I hope I do.

All through my growing up years, I had lots of friends.. yet when it came to crucial things like going to watch a movie, eating out, shopping – I would be alone because most of my friends went for those with their parents. Yes, it was the late eighties, early nineties and I grew up in a fairly conservative colony. My poor mother was heavily overworked and so movies were out – I can actually count the number of times we have gone for a movie as a family. Eating out was the same. My father was never around nor was he interested, so the question of him taking us anywhere was out. In fact, very recently, when all of us met for my brother’s wedding, we were talking about how this was one of the very few times we all went to eat together as a family. Shocking ? It is true. And the pattern that I was talking about ? I still struggle to find people to go out with for a decent meal – R doesnt particularly like Chinese/Thai (my favourite cuisine), nor does he like restaurants very much because of the noise levels. These days, with K around, its becoming almost impossible for us to have a decent meal in peace.

I was removed from a friend’s Facebook list today. I was deeply deeply anguished because this was someone I cared about, a lot. and I seriously dont know what I did to merit such treatment. Me being me, could not let it go and so I asked her why. I got a response saying since we dont keep in touch on FB anyway, she is removing me. And that she plans to cull a lot more. Fair enough, but I would much rather people tell me to my face that I dont want anything to do with you anymore than such reasons. I will obviously be hurt but I can deal with that better. I can see you asking ‘but why is it such a big deal’.. maybe on its own it isnt, but when you add up every little thing, it does hurt.

Oh just found out another friend has bought a house through her blog !! Maybe it really is time to re-evaluate my friendships. I am not sure what the point of this post is, except that it made me feel better writing all this. Maybe it was meant to be cathartic. I dont know.

I was speaking to a good friend of mine about this and her question, which was very pertinent, was why do these people matter and why am i so interested in them ? Fair point, have been thinking aboiut it and the reason is that I seriously thought they have the potential to become closer friends of mine and I really need a community around here.

I probably have given them more power than I ought to, in that I have let them hurt me and disrespect me. I have let them affect me and have let them GET to me.

PS – People, please please I would be immsensely greatful if dont mention this post ITRW !! It’s not something I am proud of and it also is WIP to stop feeling this way and to be content and happy with whatever life throws at me.

Ramblings

22 Apr 2009 1 Comment

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

I have so much to say, yet I dont want to say it here. I know all of 4 people read this blog, yet I hesitate.

This blog was about being honest to my feelings and writing a lot more openly about my thoughts and relationships, yet today I hesitate.

I dont know what it is about it which makes me anxious – probably because it exposes my vulnerable self and a side of me which I dont want to portray and so I hesitate.

Well tomorrow is another day. Maybe tomorrow, the mind will ache to write and reveal. Maybe but maybe not.

The year that was..

17 Apr 2009 1 Comment

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

I have been meaning to do a round-up of the last year post for such a long time now. Nearly 4 months. Since I have missed the Gregorian calendar by a couple of months, I am going to go by the financial year.. Going by that, I am only late a couple of days, which makes me feel a lot better

The Good
1. Having our home back to ourselves, from around roughly the time K was born. We have been having my parents and in-laws staying with us, almost throughout since then. I absolutely loved having family around and if I had to do it all over again, i would not change a thing.

Yet to have our own space back to ourselves, to chill out in our own way, to have friends staying over, to fight in not so hushed tones (though its gone back to hushed tones now, now that we have a little monster who stores away every word we utter) and generally hang about in a way not possible when family is over is just wonderful.

2. I changed jobs. I was getting frustrated, edgy and restless at the old place. I desperately craved a change, a challenge and a new atmosphere. I also did not want to move to the Docklands, which is were my old company moved to.

I love the new place. Friends wise, I dont know many people still. Yet I work for a manager who I used to work with in the past and whose style, personality, knowledge, friendliness and mentoring I am in complete awe of.

3. I went back to finish off my remaining year’s commitment of volunteering to look after our Buddhist centre. I had to drop out when K was born and I am just so glad to go back and finish it.

4. Moved homes. Still renting, but I love love the place we currently live in, as well as the area. I can see myself staying on in this area. The old place always felt temporary and left me feeling unsettled, but I can see myself living in this new area.

5. At least one friend stood by me, in spite of my rotten behaviour at times and I owe her big time for that.

6. I got an Income Tax refund. A pittance which hardly amounts to a reasonable sum and which was MY money to begin with, yet it felt really good to open that letter from the Inland Revenue.

7. I FINALLY got back to my pre-pregnancy weight. After 2 long years of not doing anything about it or dieting in any shape of form. I lost it all when I wasnt even thinking about it.

The Bad
1. It brought up deep, deep angst related to having friends (or not !) in the city and revealed sides of my personality I did not even know existed. Feelings of jealousy, rage, anger, self-pity, loneliness, being excluded reared its ugly head at different times of the year. Not proud of my behaviour at all, suffice to say it brought deep pain and suffering.

2. We still do not own a home. I thought 2008 would be the year I could finally start decorating my own place, but sadly it was not meant to be.

3. We were plagued by illnesses in the latter half of the year, but it was all because of K building up her immunity.

I am not even going into The Ugly because, well because there is nothing really . I just put all that in The Bad.

A letter

20 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

Dear U,

I cannot fathom you lying in that hospital bed while they decide what to do with you and how best to treat you.

I am not sure what happened that got you into this situation. I dont know much about mental health, all i know is that it’s a very fine balance between sanity and insanity and generally where mental health is concerned, in my opinion of course.

I dont know what happened with you, I have been trying to analyse  the reasons that could have driven you to such a state, but I only have questions, not answers. But I have come to the conclusion that I dont want to know, but just want you to get better.

My memory of you is singing “Aaa jaa sanam madhur chandini ” with my sister and my father making such a big fuss of it and recording it and me wishing I could be a part of that too. Your infectious giggles in the recording reverberate in my ears. We heard that recording for years together. And the time when you and my sis dolled up and wore sarees and we how took lots of photos.

The jubilation and elation we felt when you were promoted recently to a very responsible position in a pharmaceutical company. Did researching about all those drugs drive you to this place ?

Come home soon, U. Come home, we are all waiting for you with open arms and want to make it better. All of us.

love

Helpless

20 Mar 2009 1 Comment

by orbitbud in Uncategorized Tags: personal, thoughts

I spoke with my distraught mother today and got some truly awful news. A close family friend’s only child – a daughter who is in her early forties is suffering from deep depression and has been admitted to a hospital for treatment. She is receiving shock treatment. I cannot even begin to describe what this bit of news did to me. I have know her all through my childhood..

Her family’s home was the place my mother stayed when she came to Bombay for her job interview when she was 19. A single one room kitchen home, which was already bursting at the seams with 3 adults and a young child. But not for a moment, did her parents hesitate to extend the invitation to my mother. A government job in those days meant security and wonderful prospects for the whole family and they knew it. They supported my mother all through her single days and opened their home for her.

After my father got married to my mother and came to Bombay, he grew very fond of and very close to her father. They shared many a weekends together and a big part of my growing up years involved a weekend trip to their home. I used to love those trips because we would get to go on the local train, an adventure in those days and also because I was genuinely fond of her parents. Of course, I never knew the significance or the importance of their role in my mother’s early years in Bombay at that time, but they were truly wonderful people who cared for us.

Another of my clear memories is how her mother was always happy and cheerful, always. Always adjusted, slept on the kitchen floor at nights but never complained about lack of space. Ever. How she supported so many people in her tiny house, when they needed a place to stay while they found their footing in the big city. She managed with no help, but always always with a smile. She taught me so much, with her subtle ways.

Their daughter got married into a nice businessman family, moved into a big house and I remember vividly  how the big house proved to be a deal clicher for the girl’s parents, considering that they had lived their entire life in a one room kitchen house. The girl moved away, and her parents got used to living life without her. Granddaughter came along, keeping them busy and gainfully occupied.

About a decade ago, the husband’s business collapsed. They had to sell their house and they moved in with her parents. Her parents had bought a modest one bedroom, hall kitchen with their life savings in a far flung suburb by then. Life continued with the husband getting involved in what i can only describe as a cult. Eventually the whole family got involved.

They survived. Girl got a big promotion at work (she is a pharmacist and a very talented one at that), was travelling all over the place and doing well. Then this happened. I am not sure about the reaons, there may be many, nor do i even want to know what they are. Mental illness has always scared the SH** out of me and my husband’s close family personally has been devastated because of it.

Fast forward to about 3 years ago which was when I saw her last. I remember distinctly about how my sister and I were commenting that something about her isnt right. We could not pin-point, but just something about the way she conducted herself. Her parents did not say anything nor did we want to pry, but we were pretty sure something was amiss.

My parents only got to know about a month ago and yet my mother took this long to tell me (she hasnt told my siblings yet – her reasoning, we will be too upset. Yes we will, but we are not babies now, are we ?) about how serious things were. She has not gone to work for over an year and whenever they spoke on the phone to my parents, they would always say everything is fine. I dont hold it against them at all though, how hard must it be to discuss your successful child’s depression. I dont want to know and I hope I never find out either.

She is receiving shock treatment. The image that my brain conjures up for this is a patient strapped to a bed with electrodes attached to the head, and the patient violently shaking when the shock is administered. I cannot imagine her going through this and worse, her parents watching from the sidelines.
I have been reading up about it and its for the most severe cases. Where they cannot wait for the time it takes for the drugs to take effect. Where they think the case is so severe that she is a threat to herself. I feel so helpless. Maybe her case is severe, maybe it isnt. Psychatric cases require constant follow up and proper medication and maybe they did not do it. I dont want to think about it but I do want her to get well soon.

The girl is receiving treatment in a trust hospital. The image of that is driving me insane. My mother, who visited them yesterday told me that most of the people on the ward are from far-flung villages, who are there because they dont have to pay. I dont want to sound snobbish but I personally feel that she deserves better treatment. Yet I dont know how because I know her parents will outright refuse any help. I am also scared to even suggest moving her to a new environment for fear of upsetting the fragile balance of her mental state. But the urge to do something and do it now is very strong.