Grief

A dear friend of mine lost her twin boys yesterday. They were stillborn at 6 months, for no apparent reason. I cannot find words to comfort her and I really hope that she finds the strength to cope with this huge loss. I cannot even comprehend how you would even start to come to terms with it and carry on. The silver lining is that she is surrounded by her doting family – parents, husband, sister, nephew and niece at this difficult time.

I have been distraught since I heard the news. I couldn’t function normally, did not sleep much and when I finally drifted off, i woke up with a nightmare. Her loss particularly affected me because our circumstances were so similar and i know this would have been practically been her last chance to have a baby. We are of the same age, have one child, both craving desperately for a second (difference being she went ahead with it) and bound by a lot more things in common. I cannot even begin to comprehend what she must be going through.

Her pregnancy was fraught with issues from the word go and she underwent a huge amount of turmoil and upheavel, both mentally and phsyically, because of it. And for it all to end like this is so distressing. I have so much more to say but am going to stop here. Please keep her and her family in your prayers.

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Happy New Year

We stayed up to welcome the New Year with friends this year. It has been a while since we did that and though I struggled to keep awake because of my jet lag, it was nice staying up. We ushered in the New Year with good music, dance, children, fireworkds, good food and friends.

My resolutions this year are mainly around improving my overall health and fitness. A close friend of mine had a very scary episode of thyroid storm recently resulting in a lot of related complications. She is on strong painkillers and has not yet fully recovered. The doctors have no idea about what brought it on nor could they assure her that it would not happen again or warn her about any precautions that she could take. It literally was a near-death experience for her and it left me deeply shaken.

I am skinny and have mostly been skinny all my life, except for a brief period during and after my pregnancy. The reason for this – I am blessed with a good metabolism. I dont exercise much but or follow any particular diets – eating everything in moderation has always been my motto. With age catching up though, I think my luck is running out and I want to do something about it before it is too late.

My focus this year is to get fitter. I have started attending Zumba once a week and I love it. It has been a few weeks and it has been tiring but great fun. I tried the Couch25K program, but failed miserably at it. I would greatly benefit from having a running buddy close by to spur me on, but since I dont have any, I need to keep myself motivated. Gymming is not for me, so running outdoors seems like a good option. I am also thinking of taking up power yoga once a week to mix it up a bit. Hoping that by putting it out here, I can keep to it.

Away

This is the first time I will be away from you for so long. 11 whole days. It already seems like a lifetime. All those visions I had of room service, spas, long baths and reading undisturbed dont hold any appeal now, sitting so many miles away.

For the first time, an interesting man sat next to me on the flight. A musician, a DJ and a writer – he was a great conversationalist. I did not even realise where the hours flew by even though the entertainment system on the flight was not working. Perfect timing.

We spoke about Western classical music, evolution of music in the recent decades, Indian classical music, bringing up children in the UK, the financial crisis, HMV and so many other topics.

I just got a call from the school to say that your eyes are red and you may have conjunctivitis. Why do these things happen only when I am away ? Miss you, baby.

Happy New Year

A very happy new year and a new decade to everyone from this very neglected blog.

The last year has been truly wonderful for me and I am so much more at peace with my own self. This post is, obviously, of no interest to anyone but myself, but I want to document it here, all the same. For me, the last year has been about

1. Letting go. A lot. Mainly people, negative emotions, depressing what-if scenarios. And i feel a lot better. Truly the year where I implemented “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours ; if they dont, they never were”.

2. One of my big big determinations for the year, which would have made me infinitely happier, did not happen. I have still not lost hope and am trying very hard to be happy with whatever the outcome, but I have not reached that zen place yet. There was a lot of heartache about this the last year.

3. Accepting my karma. There is a reason why I married a man who has so few friends and is a loner. I am trying hard to change this karma and it is still work-in-progress.

4. K’s school. Finding a school was surprisingly very easy. One which I fell in love with, is a short walk away from home and was sure about the minute i entered it. Getting admission to the school was (thankfully) a breeze, but the after-school/holiday arrangements caused us much angst. After months of interviews, meeting nannies, we finally found a solution which has worked very well. K loves her school and is very happy there ; she has definitely bloomed since she started nursery in a big school.

5. Lunch box options. Agonising over lunches to send which can be eaten cold and are nutritious, healthy and wholesome. I dont think we ever worried so much about her food habits until this year. She has always been a poor eater and a big fan of eating warm food, so cold food was a big change for her. She still doesnt drink the milk her school gives her because it is cold and that is saying a lot for her as she is is a big big fan of milk.

6. Appreciation at work. Being recognised for all my hard work and having the unstinting support of my boss. The toxic work atmosphere completely cleared up, with a lot of effort and chanting. Of course, I am always on my guard but I am truly thankful for the way things are.

7. Reading. I read more than I probably did since I left college. All kinds of books, used the wonderful London library consortium to my full advantage.

The not-so-good stuff

1. Not exercising. I dont have a problem weight-wise and dropped a dress size last year, but am very unfit. I resolved to change that, but my best intentions never saw the light of day.

2. Renting. And not for lack of trying, for sure. We looked and looked for houses, but none matched our budget and criterion. We (read I) are (am) much more fussy this time around and it has been tough find a house which ticks all the boxes.

Mac

I have always been an ardent fan of Apple and all its products. For me, it started with the classic ipod and the momentum slowly built up thereafter.

One of my dreams is to have a complete home office wired up with Apple stuff. An apple desktop, a Macbook to surf anywhere in the house, an apple TV and my ipods docked to stream music throughout the house. Since our house buying plan seems to be on-hold for the time being, I decided to take the plunge now and buy a Macbook.

I seriously don’t know why I waited for so long to get one. It is FANTASTIC. What I love about it is

1. I love the power charger and the cord. It is magnetic and if you trip over it or tug it hard, all that happens is that the cord is disconnected from the laptop, leaving the laptop safe. Such a useful thing to have with a toddler running around the house.

2. The mouse pad. It is huge, super-sensitive, responsive and has so many functions that you can use it for.

3. The fact that it powers on and off so so quickly. In a flash, literally. No waiting time and it has not crashed so far.

4. Looks. Oh, it is ever so sleek, sexy, compact and so aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

5. The in-built camera and the photo-booth. You can do some funky photos with it.

6. It is so lightweight and compact. It even fits into one of my handbags.

It makes me wonder why ever did i wait so long to get one !

P.S – I have to say that I only got one now, thanks to the husband. I was all for buying a small, compact Windows laptop because all i really needed it for was surfing, blogging, uploading my photos etc. I was all set to buy a small laptop because of the price difference (I am cheap like that !), but he convinced me to buy the Mac. And oh, i think it was the best decision I ever made to get convinced.

Nursery Initiation

So many milestones of K have gone undocumented. The intention to do it has always been strong, but the mind has other ideas. I did not want to let yet another milestone go past without a mention, so I am getting down to it straightaway.

Today, I took K to see the new nursery that she will start in September. This new nursery is attached to a primary school, so the plan is that she will continue her schooling there. It is a girl’s school (which is a separate post, in its own right – our choice of school), close to where we live.

K loved the school. This was her first visit and I could sense that she enjoyed it thoroughly. The room was large, bright, cheery and so colourful. It had almost the same toys that she has in her current nursery, but there was something very bright, cheerful and welcoming about the new place.

I was rather concerned about how she would react and if she would even speak to anybody. I need not have worried. One of the boy’s (in her current nursery) mum Mrs M works in the new place and K remembered her. K ran up to her and started talking to her, while I stayed in the sidelines, taking my surroundings in. I chatted with a few other mums, read all the charts put up, wandered to the school office to clarify a few points and K was fine all along. She painted for a while, played with sand, leafed through a book, pretending to read, and so much more. She chatted with her new friends, existing nursery children, teachers without a care in the world.

This was such a change from the first time she ever went to the nursery that it is hard for me to not feel anything but pride. I really hope she is very happy there.

The children are divided into groups – (i think) randomly for activities and smaller group playtime. She is in the blue house and will wear a blue T-shirt everyday, over her school uniform. I cannot tell you how happy I was to discover that she is in the blue house because if she wasn’t, to have to explain to her that she has to wear another colour would be impossible.  This is because K adores blue. If there was a choice, all her toys/clothes/books/bags would be blue. The world would be blue, for that matter. It has always been in her case. And Mrs M is the key-worker for the blue house and I am so so glad.

It was an hour’s visit and I had a hard time getting her to leave – she enjoyed it so much. Fingers crossed it always stays like that.

Clarity

Appreciation.

Gratitude.

For all the things in my life. I chant for having this attitude every single day. I also chanted for clarity on a topic very close to my heart. I wanted a crystal clear answer, not a wishy-washy one. Not a shade of grey.

I got it when I was least expecting it. I got my answer reading the Guardian on Saturday. A strange place, but it was crystal clear and very direct and aimed at me. At least I felt that.

So thank you, Universe.

P.S – I build ‘Universes’ in my current job. Could it be more apt ?

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